Are You Happy?

"Do you still miss him?  Are you happy?"  I've been replaying these words in my head a lot the last few days, and thinking about the young mother that asked the questions.  We were at her husband's viewing, just before his funeral.... what was sure to be the lowest point in their life.   When I think back on my life, something similar was mine.   I lost my dad when I was only eight years old, also to cancer and after a long fight to beat it.  Being there brought back many tender memories.  As my friend introduced me to her kids, she told them this piece of my history and asked,  "Do you still miss him? Are you happy?" 

I answered back,"Yes.  Very happy." But, I know I wasn't convincing.  The truth is, I was reliving so many memories with this young family at that moment.  Looking at their eight year old boy standing over his father, I wanted to cry.  That was me 29 years ago this month.  I wanted to pull their kids in close and tell them that I know how they feel and reassure them that they WILL be happy again.  They will miss their dad a lot, but they WILL be happy, too.

Here's what I've learned.  Losing someone young, you realize early on that life is unpredictable and precious.  While this can seem depressing or even hopeless at times, this is the very reason I have happiness.   Losing my Dad taught me to never take my family or friends for granted.  I seldom miss an opportunity to be with them or to find for an excuse to host a party just to get together again.  Losing my Dad taught me to not waste time trying to prove a point, and realize what really matters. Especially when it comes to family.  Michael J. Fox said it best, "Family is not an important thing.  It's everything."  It's at the heart of all that matters in the world.

I am also happy because my Dad taught me how to live by his example.  Although I know my Dad had hard days (REALLY HARD DAYS), I never saw him feel sorry for himself.  He was always cheerful, positive, hopeful, and had complete trust in his Heavenly Father.  He never EVER stopped having his faith.   My Dad taught me how to be strong and push through my trails, no matter what.  He never gave up.  He never stopped trying.  Even in his sickest days, my Dad applied for jobs to help provide for his family, even though he had every reason to stay home and very little skills to offer in his condition.  Through his example, I learned to persevere.

Most of all, I learned to enjoy my husband and family fully.   I want to have fun with them every chance I get, make meaningful memories, and tell them I love them ALL THE TIME. I strive to make sure that they KNOW how I feel about important issues and the gospel.   We apologize quickly, never go to bed angry, and strive to create an environment where our kids know we love them no matter what. We make sure to tell each other just how appreciated everyone is, and how important they are to our family.

I'm also happy knowing I'm never alone.  I feel my Dad with me, watching over, guiding me, inspiring me, and encouraging me to keep going.    He's been with me every step of the way, and I know he still wants what's best for me.  On my hardest days, I'm never far from his love and comfort. I really believe that those that love us don't go away; they walk beside us everyday.

I have heard it said that strength grows in the moments when you think you can't go on but you keep going anyway.   Grief will forever changes you, and sometimes even happy memories hurt.  It is possible to be happy and still ache from missing someone so much.  However, happiness does come.   After all, there are so many beautiful reasons to be happy and remember  - - - they would want you to be.

In dedication to Erik Heppler, a wonderful man who left a powerful legacy, and the entire Heppler family and their loved ones who are needing extra love right now.   "...There is help and happiness ahead - a lot of it."  Jeffery R. Holland. 

Newton's Third Law

Newtons Third Law formally put;  For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Simply put; Go to Disneyland and have the time of your life and come home to your world falling apart. 

Before we dive into that, let it be known that we worked so hard to make it to Disneyland.  It all began in 2015 when I first tried to take my family to Disneyland. One bad caramel corn "business" later, we never made it.  The second attempt was in 2017.  I felt like I let everyone down when we had to cancel our hotel reservations and face the reality that we'd never scrap up enough to go that year.   Shayne had taken a pay cut at Pepsi where he was employed at the time and we were barely making ends meet. Disneyland would have to wait again. 

In November 2018, it came up again.  We took the idea and decided that no matter what, 2019 would be the year. It would be a celebration of all we had accomplished the year I went back to school - a task not easy on any of us.  I made the reservations for our hotel the first week it was mentioned, and never looked back.  We paid for it little by little, and by June 2019, it seemed a miracle had happened.  It was finally happening.  A dream come true.  

We went to Disneyland June 18th-25th and had the time of our lives!  I loved seeing the kids faces as they rode each ride and took in all the wonder of it all.  Each moment seemed better than the last.  We met characters, rode everything on our bucket list, took tons of pictures, and even spent a day at Huntington Beach.  It was probably the best time we'd ever had as a family. Everyone was happy.  We never wanted it to end.  I'm so glad that we went worry free and without stress of anything back home. 

After every vacation, there's a normal amount of post vacation blues.  It's hard getting back into normal life! ... But when you come home and you are welcomed back by being laid off, it makes it extra hard.  Pepsi was doing layoffs and Shayne didn't make the cut.  To make things worse, they terminated our health insurance the day he was laid off (not good when you're down to your last bottle of insulin), our Explorer didn't pass emissions and needed $200-400 in repairs, and I was denied the request for new hours to spend more time with my kids.  It seemed that everything good that we had just experienced was being counter acted by opposite reactions.  

It stinks... 

HOWEVER.  The Munns' are fighters.  We don't give in easily, and we NEVER stop fighting.  Here's the good news.  Shayne already had a job.  That's right, he was still employed at Maverick, his Pepsi off-season weekend job.  Something told him that he should keep in good standing with them, working every other week even if just for a day. He started working for them full time last Friday, July 12th.  He had heard about the lay-offs, and the week before he was given the punch in the gut, he started to apply for new endeavors.  He's already had interviews and we're extremely hopeful that we will have him in a better fit soon.  He is already on Maverick's health insurance (praise heaven!), and it seems that everything is going to be ok.  Tighter than most months, but doable.  

So - take that Newtons Third Law.  The Munns' are going to give you an opposite reaction right back!  We will bounce back from this.  

Afterall... "Every situation in life is temporary. So, when life is good, make sure you receive it and enjoy it fully. And when life is not good, remember that it will not last forever and that better days are on the way." - Unknown. 

Diaversary

Diaversary.

A word that Type 1 Diabetics use when the anniversary of the day they received their initial diagnosis.  Shayne's diaversary was June 8th.

June 8th, 2016.

We had just come back from a trip to Lagoon.  Shayne had been sick all week.  Honestly, it didn't strike us as anything to be really worried about.  Afterall, he'd had a really bad flu recently, and with a history of bleeding ulcers, we thought it was just more of the same acting up again.  We couldn't have been more wrong.  When I came home to him collapsed on the bathroom floor, crying, and sicker than I had ever seen him before, I knew something was really wrong.

Rewind - - -  June 6th.

We had just pulled in from our camping trip to Lagoon, and Shayne was at his parent's house picking up Daisy telling him about our stay.  All weekend Shayne complained about feeling nauseous, excessively thirty, and was going to the restroom a lot.  He was also losing his vision.  These symptoms sounded familar to his Dad, who already had T2 diabetes.  His Dad tested Shayne's blood and sure enough, it was high.  Shayne knew that he would have to go to the doctor the next day; odds were that he had diabetes.

June 7th.

Shayne went to see Dr. Rose at the Spanish Fork Clinic.  Dr. Rose ran some tests, and determined Shayne had type 2 diabetes.  It seemed to fit the description, and after reading the symptoms, we were slapped with the realization that this was coming on for a while now.  Even his sudden weight loss (which we thought was from quitting soda), was an early symptom.   He was prescribed some Metformin, gave brief recommendations for his new diet and we went home.  The thought of him having diabetes in any form seemed a bit much but we accepted it and hoped that with some minor adjustments, we'd be back to normal in no time.

"Let's eat!"

Later that night, my brother David (out for a visit from Texas) and I took Shayne out to dinner.  Food makes everything better.  That's why it's called "comfort food," right?  Unless you're a diabetic.  I remember Shayne stumbling out of the restaurant to have someone yell out to him, "You shouldn't be driving!!!"  It bothered me  A lot.  We just wanted him to get better. What was meant to lift his spirits only left us feeling worse. 

June 8th.  

Shayne woke up after being sick again all night.  I asked him if he thought he should see the doctor again that day, or at least call him and make sure that this was normal, but we both agreed that we needed to give the new medication time to work.  His blood sugar was still high and he was still feeling terrible.  I thought if I took the kids out to lunch with David that day, that we could let Shayne get his rest and hopefully he'd be feeling better when we came home.  

When we came home, I found Shayne laying on the bathroom floor, crying, and he seemed hysterical.  Nothing was making sense.  The medication obviously wasn't working.  I called my sister Sarah, the ER nurse at the time who told me that she thought that he had ketoacidosis, and if that was the case, he must actually be a Type 1 Diabetic.  She urged me to take him the the ER right away.  I left Ellie with the kids, and drove as quickly as I could up to the hospital.  A few blood tests confirmed that he was officially a Type 1 Diabetic.   Our hearts sank.   Nothing could have prepared us for this. He could have died.  

"....I would have taken him to the hospital yesterday." 

Emotions were high.  I remember assuming a lot of guilt and blame during this time, especially when these words were spoken to me.  I remember feeling unwelcome even, to be in the ICU room with him and that I shouldn't have been at the hospital since I was the one that put him there.  I actually remember throwing away a get well card I had bought for him because there just weren't words for how I was feeling.  To think others were blaming me made it infinitely worse.

It took a lot for me to get over what was said and realize that the emotions were high for EVERYONE.  No one truly blamed me and I needed to "forgive [myself] for not knowing what [I] didn't know before I learned it." ( - Maya Angelou.) Shayne needed me now more than ever. 

For the first time in our marriage, life was fragile, too.   I had to face the reality of what could of happened, how I would take care of our family if I would of had to, the new responsibility of taking care of a diseased husband, and our unsure future together.  I found myself making backup plans for "just in case" and really thinking about how we would survive if had to do it on my own.  EVERYTHING changed.  I realized during these hard days who was really there for me.

Ever After 

Shayne spent four or five days in the hospital.  We spent hours in diabetic counseling and training on how to manage the diabetes in the best way possible.  Our head was spinning as we took all the information in.  It was like drinking from a hose.  Some of the water got in, but most of it went splashing all over the place.

I'll never forget those first times of Shayne injecting himself with insulin, something the nursing made him do right away.   It was not easy to watch.  The hesitation.  The build up to the initial poke.  People still tell him that "they couldn't do that."  Well, it's entirely different if you HAVE TO if you want to live.  The words "do or die" have never been more true.

When someone in your immediate family has diabetes, you ALL have diabetes.  Ok, maybe not like they have diabetes, but you all need to be on guard.  Those first days home were the hardest of our lives.  Financially, things were never worse, and I didn't even think that was possible.

Months later, we received Shayne's insulin pump after a GoFundMe campaign raised the $3800 needed to cover our portion of the pump and CGM machine.  It was the most normal we had ever felt since it happened.  We greatly appreciate all the donations for this cause.

Life hasn't been easy, but we're figuring it out.  I still worry about what would happen if I had to take care of my family if something happened to them.  I worry when I don't get a call or text from Shayne for too long.  Diabetes is affected by EVERYTHING (hot, cold, sick, elevation - you name it!) so keeping it in check is sometimes a challenge.  It seems that at least once a year since this incident, we have another diabetes related complication that we end up visiting the hospital over.  Overall though, we ARE figuring it out together and are thankful for everything that we have. I know we can overcome any challenges that come our way.

"You never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have."  - Unknown

Family Updates: Part 3

... moving on.

Kaitlyn did her best in 2nd Grade this year; it wasn't always easy but Kaitlyn came far this year!  Kaitlyn distracted herself after school by dancing.  I've always thought that Kaitlyn was born to dance, and it made us so happy seeing her dance like no one was watching.  She took a ballet/jazz class, and tumbling. We are changing dance studio's this fall so Kaitlyn can take a more classical ballet.  It's Kaitlyn's dream to "dance on her toes."

Danelle has to be the most ambitious 14 year old around.  She rocked the past year in Martial Arts (she's a red brown belt now!), horse riding, advanced choir, piano lessons, and orchestra II as a Violist all while staying on her school Honor Roll. Honestly, there's really  nothing she can't or won't do if she puts her mind to it.  Danelle makes us so proud.

Liam loved Kindergarten this year and we recently discovered that he's quite the talented puzzle guy. This kid is great at complex puzzles, complicated mazes, word search puzzles (even the hard ones), and all kinds of games.  It's really quite fun to sit down next to him and watch him at work.  Liam knows how to have fun, too. Right now he's really into monster trucks, Hotwheels, and tornado's.  We sure love him!

Shayne just "celebrated" his third year with diabetes.  Diabetes sure changed our life in big ways, but he's managing himself.  He's still working with Admiral Beverage (Pepsi), and while it's not the dream job, Shayne is doing it well.

When money got tight during Pepsi's slow season, Shayne took a weekend job at Maverick to pick up the slack.  With my schooling, observation hours, and work, I couldn't take any extra hours and times were rough. It wasn't what anyone of us wanted, but it felt good to take care of ourselves.  Shayne grew to really like working at Maverick - so much so that when the time came to quit, he chooses to keep going, just once or twice a month to keep his status.  Who knows, maybe he'll be an area manager or running his own store one day. If there's one thing I know about Shayne, it's that he will never give up chasing that dream.  I strongly believe one day, we'll have everything he hopes for.

I think that's *most* of our updates.  I hope to keep this blog going and will post many more updates moving forward!  Thank you for reading.

Family Updates: Part 2.

If you've been following our blog *at all* then you probably know about Kaitlyn and her "coin incident" that we discovered in 2012 and still haunts us to this day.  Flash back to November/December 2018.  Kaitlyn started noticeable have trouble eating again.  Just like before, she was avoiding food, and losing weight (weight she couldn't afford to lose).  I didn't realize how much it was affecting her until her brother (three years younger!) weighed more!  She was back in the first percentile.  Here's the abridged version of our update...

In December, we made an appointment to see our specialist.  With such high demand, the nearest appointment wasn't until January.  Dr. Sutton isn't in practice anymore, and this new doctor didn't seem to believe me.  It wasn't until I pulled up a picture on my phone (FINALLY a good use for Facebook and my history of over-posting), I showed him the diverticulitis pocket we were worried about.  The nurse brought back pages of history and pictures, and we got his attention even more.  He agreed it was worth looking into and scheduled an EGD and dilation.

This happened on January 24th.  The doctor wasn't back there long, but had some news that I guess we prepared ourselves for.  The pocket was bigger and he felt it had to go.  Dr. Sutton had suggested to do this years ago, but it didn't feel right.  However, worrying about Kaitlyn choking all the time and not eating is no way to live either!  For once, we were open to the option of removal.

Early February, we did a swallow study.   Clearly, we could see the pocket now, it's position, and size. We scheduled to meet with the pediatric surgeon.

End of February, we met with the pediatric surgeons to discuss Kaitlyn's problem.  His name was Dr. Short.  After reviewing her history, going over her more recent information, and his own research on similar issues, he also agreed strongly that she needed it removed.

He was the first person to present the risks, however.  The pocket was on the airway side.  They could cut her vocal chords, the airway, a gland in the neck, or worse, she could bleed out if a major artery was nicked.  He suggested we meet with a panel of pediatric surgeons at Primary Children's Hospital to go over their thoughts for Kaitlyn. We left with tears in our eyes, and concern for Kaitlyn.

When the day of March 6th came, we were nervous and ready to find out what they would suggest for our little Kaitlyn.  Meeting with the panel was really different than I expected.  They put us in our own room, and the doctors came in and out, asking questions, looking over charts, and moving on.  It was like being on display at a museum. After quite a few doctors and specialists came through and a long wait, they ALL filed in the room again and gave us their collective feedback.

Everyone agreed that while there is legitimate concern, and this is a risk for Kaitlyn's life, unfortunately, the surgery was much riskier.  Kaitlyn could learn to eat and swallow with a pocket, but if any of the four bad outcomes happened, Kaitlyn's life would never be the same.

We couldn't do it.  We said "no," and we're learning to cope with her way of life.  The panel at would like us to come back next March... but I don't see that happening. Kaitlyn is learning fast, already avoiding the foods we were concerned about, and we'll cross every other bridge when we get to it. We continue to pray for her, but we know Heavenly Father has a plan for her and she is capable of doing hard things.

Family Updates 2019: Part 1.

Life did seem hopeful when I wrote my last blog in August 2017.  It seemed that we had hit rock bottom and the only way to go was up.  Little did I know that life *could* get more difficult... starting with work.

I loved Entrata.  At one point, I seriously considered working there forever.  I was rocking my QA scores, I was a superstar team member, I had a team leader who made me (and everyone else) feel valued and appreciated, and I was being treated very well by the company itself.   I honestly thought I could go on to be a manger, trainer, or more in this company.  When my team leader was removed from his position however, I started to worry.

Sadly, it only got worse from there.  I was put on call filtering; a grueling task where you filter hundreds of calls an hour that the properties themselves took.  It was redundant, mundane, and I felt like a machine.  I thought I would love being off the phones, but the hours were long and my anxiety was high as I tried to filter at least 100 calls an hour. I opted out.

Being on the phones wasn't much better.  With so many agents doing call filtering, the lines got busier.  MUCH BUSIER.  From January to September, there was almost NO BREAKS in it for me.  It was brutal.  I wanted to quit every day.  It was hard to be positive anymore.  I was starting to lose hope altogether of a better life.

Why does this matter?

This matters because it made me realize that I *can't* do this the rest of my life and my family needs me to work.  I was forced to think of other options. Then it hit me.  My associate degree didn't mean much when it came to applying for a real job.  I could possibly be doing jobs like Entrata or worse the rest of my life.  I did however, have my bachelor's degree almost complete!

There was my hope again.

Getting back into school again was not easy.  I literally had to petition my desire to come back to school, why I deserved to be reconsidered, what I would do differently so I don't quit again, why know I would not quit, etc, etc, etc.  Fortunately, I was let back in!  I began the journey again, only this time as a working mom, something I was unfamiliar with before.  If I thought school was hard in the past, I never realized how hard it would be with a job.... and family.... and all their things happening simultaneously.  The next nine months pushed me past my breaking point.

I had a lot of ground to cover if I wanted to be a teacher.  I had licensure exams still to take, classes to finish, even more classes that were added to the program after I quit, one hundred observation hours (which is not as easy as it sounds), and as if that wasn't enough, everything else as well. At one point, I almost went back on my words written in my petition for re-entry.  I wanted to quit. I wanted to quit SO BADLY.  I just wanted to make the uncomfortable go away and make my life easier again - start later when all my kids were in school full time.

Tempting as it seemed, I still knew that I was doing the right thing and it was the only thing keeping me going.  Maybe, just maybe, all the uncomfortable life lessons we were having happened because I was meant to do something better. I'm in my last week of classes right now.  I met my requirement for observation hours and I'm ready to student teach in January 2020.

(More family updates to be continued...)

Bringing Back Blogging

Social media ruined me. Oh sure, there's a lot of great posts; uplifting, exciting, funny... but there's a lot of negativity with that also. Social media often reminds me of high school.  A popularity contest with drama, cliques, judgement, and comparison.  With that I can also see the insecurity, the trying hard to impress, and the false sense of connection to others which can actually make you feel more lonely.  Long story short, it was chipping away at my happiness every time I got on.  Social media is not for everyone. It's not been good for me. 

Now, I haven't given up on social media completely.  Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. I enjoy being connected to friends and family and knowing what's happening in their lives, too.  I simply decided if it's a running record of my family I'm mostly after where my posts are concerned, why not go back to blogging about it instead? I used to love blogging. I could write our stories and share photos without having to worry as much about likes, dislikes, comments, or battling constant feelings of rejection. Besides,  my blogs aren't written for fame or fortune. They aren't written to always inspire or teach either. They are for my family to look back on and remember the good,  the bad, and the ugly.  If anyone is interested, it's here for you, too. 

So, nice to see you again, old friend.  It's good to be back in my happy place with you. Let's never lose touch again.  Here's to many more updates...