NEW ME

I have been thinking about this blog for a very long time. YEARS. Yep, I have been losing weight SLOWLY for years. I set a lower goal (but realistic) then I ever thought I would reach and TODAY I DID IT. As of this moment and pending I maintain my weight for six weeks I have achieved LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP status with Weight Watchers. I think my friends at Weight Watchers look at me as "the girl that came in and just wanted to lose 20 pounds," but what they don't know is that I KNOW what it is like to be in their shoes. I know how it feels to be "obese" and "overweight." It was easier to gain the weight than it was to lose it. Here is my story.

I started gaining weight mid junior year of high school. This is around the time Shayne and I started dating and I was eating out more, tasting and trying new things, and a stressful time academically where food was my comfort. I also was working at fast food chains, McDonalds, Taco Time, and Taco Bell where the food available for me was not the best food FOR me. Without even realizing it, I gained my "freshmen 15" in high school.

College wasn't any "friendlier." Now all the sudden, the ball was completely in my court. So was the convenience of eating on campus. It seemed during this time I began to eat out of boredom. I even had a mini fridge in my dorm room to help it along. With badly prepared microwaveable food as my cheapest option, nutritionally, I was lagging.

I think I started to notice I was gaining weight though after I got married, and gained ten more pounds working full time and I believe through added stress. People were starting to take pictures of me that I didn't like... I was wearing size 12-14 jeans, and soon to be growing... because a year into our marriage I found out I was pregnant.

I gained 60 big ones during my pregnancy and my doctors were not kind about it. My blood pressure was high, and there was no control. I blamed much of this on my swelling, but realized only so much was swelling since only 30 pounds came off when Danelle was born. I was the biggest I have ever been. I don't have a lot of pictures of this time of my life and I actually thought I hid my weight well. I was 195 pounds and wearing size 16 jeans. I knew I had a problem at this point. Something had to change.

It was at this point (end of 2005) that my mom started to count calories and lose weight so I made an incentive chart, $1 for every time I exercised, $1 for every day in my calorie range, and $5 for every five pounds lost. I earned $120 and lost about 20 pounds. Now 175, I felt pretty good. I was still overweight, but this was a number I could handle. I lost all the weight from being pregnant with Danelle.

In 2006, after my av node ablation on my heart, my doctor STRONGLY suggested I lose more weight for the sake of my heart health. During the time waiting for my surgery and just after, I had strict orders for a heart healthy diet. Having the scare of my heart problem jolted me that I needed to lose more weight - I had to get in a healthy BMI. In 2006, I started dieting again and lost 20 more pounds. I was now 155, and the upper edge of "healthy BMI." I was proud and feeling good. In 2008, I lost 10 more pounds and was now 145, a number I felt REALLY good about. I stayed this weight for a year, until I found out I was pregnant with Kaitlyn Marie.

Kaitlyn's pregnancy "physically" was a much easier pregnancy. Her pregnancy was complicated with a tear in the placenta early that caused problems that whole time through, but physically for ME it was perfect. I had excellent blood pressure, no swelling, never had aching, and I only gained 35 pounds which was considered healthy weight gain (they told me 25-35 is normal). I am so glad I was healthy enough to not make this pregnancy more complicated for Kaitlyn by having blood pressure problems.

Once Kaitlyn was born, I lost 15 pounds easily, but having a c-section with her I got a slow start losing weight and didn't want to push myself too hard. I started my own program of counting calories again and a little incentive program. I lost 10 pounds. Upper end of healthy BMI again. I knew I wanted to lose at least the extra weight I kept on after Kaitlyn but didn't know if that would be possible now that I had a "c-section gut."

Finally last spring as soon as I stopped nursing and felt like I could diet again, I told my mom I wanted to start Weight Watchers after the move and wondered if she wanted to join with me. She was very enthusiastic about it. We joined in June, and I lost about 8 pounds in the first month. The weeks to follow were long and slow. I was finally 145 again and felt really good, but my goal was lower - I was curious if I could reach my goal so I kept going. After a little more time, I passed 145 and realized that with Weight Watchers I just might be able to to the IMPOSSIBLE!

I did reach the impossible. I could probably lose more if I put my mind to it, but for now I am happy with where I am at and need a little break. Shayne thinks instead of trying to lose weight, my focus should be on toning up (which I need badly) and maintain this weight. Weight Watchers says I can always lower my goal if I wanted to and keep going but I feel like that might be overkill right now. I am satisfied more than I could have ever been by eating food.

Since joining Weight Watchers, I have learned how to eat properly and the right proportions. I have learned that I CAN splurge once and while and get right back on the program and STILL lose weight. I never felt deprived and I could eat whatever I wanted BUT had to check and balance my points to still lose weight. I learned that not all calories are created equal and part of why I might have stopped losing weight was more to do with me not understanding this fact! When considering option of what to eat counting calories an apple could be 100, but so is that 100 calorie pack of cookies, or small bag of chips. However, FAT takes less energy to burn and therefore it's easier to gain weight whereas an apple (which is 0 Weight Watcher points) takes more ENERGY to burn so it almost cancels itself out. The bag of cookies is 3-4 WW points, while the apple is 0 WW points.

I highly recommend the program. It was so much easier than other diets of not eating carbs, much healthier and rewarding than taking diet pills, and much more realistic for me than anything surgical. I am really proud of myself and feel empowered at the things I can do. I know that this experience has been a good one for Danelle to watch over the years and I often hear her talking about healthy choices. The girls and I were physically active this summer with biking and walking more than any other year. I am hoping that by my experience and the way that I now feed my family, that my children will learn how to eat and carry it with them their whole life. I hope that through our walks and rides they will have a love for being physically fit.

This isn't the end of my journey.... I know that it will take a lot for me to maintain this weight and it will have to be a lifestyle change to stay. I don't think I will ever eat the way that I used to. Weight gain might be in my future with another pregnancy, surgeries, or whatever may be, but I know that with Weight Watchers there is hope.

I have to maintain my weight for 6 weeks to start going for free to Weight Watchers, then weigh in once a month to keep my membership. I plan to continue to go to meetings and keep my motivation high and stick in there with my mom who is doing very good but has more to go. I am excited for where I am. I am now wearing size six jeans and I feel better than ever.

"Don't let the fear of the time it will take to accomplish something stand in the way of your doing it. The time will pass anyway..." Earl Nightingale.

S'mores :(

August 29, 2011. Danelle had just finished school and I at the end of my second time with my new daycare child, Trevan. Shayne was anxious to go pick up a used car with Patrick, and I was watching Kaitlyn downstairs as I said goodbye to the guys. Danelle came running down the stairs with her guinea pig in her arms. I took the pig and she said, "MOM S'MORES IS HURT!!!" Just as I took her, Danelle went on the floor and said, "SHE FELL AND NOW IS WALKING LIKE THIS" and dragged her legs behind her. It was my WORST FEAR for this pig.

Unfortunately, I have seen this before. (Flashback.) I got Cocoa when I was only 11 or 12 years old. Our classroom guinea pig had babies and since no one wanted the one with "weird fur," my heart warmed and I took the little guy home. Cocoa was well loved and cared for for three years and even went through a move from Ohio to Utah with us. Then when I was 15 years old, my cousin came over for a visit and wanted to hold Cocoa. Cocoa was up on her shoulders when he started to gnaw on her hair. It wasn't meant to happen but Cocoa was accidentally dropped on his back, and from then on walked dragging his back feet until his back feet grew to heavy to pull. I tried to save him. A month later, he was deteriorating right before my eyes and it became evident that Cocoa was in trouble. At this young age, I told my parents I thought Cocoa should be put to sleep...

I have to admit I over reacted when I realized S'mores was hurt. I wanted so badly for Danelle to be wrong in this case, but after a quick evaluation I realized S'mores was badly hurt. It seemed familiar and extra heartbreaking to witness this again already knowing the odds were against this little pig. I ordered Trevan to go home (since his Dad just came home) and commenced yelling at Danelle to find out what happened. In a state of panic, and seeing me so upset, Danelle lied and said that Trevan had dropped our pet. I believed her because we had let Trevan hold the guinea pig before and he was scared of it. I continued yelling at her because she wasn't allowed to let friends hold the pig and telling her that she knew Trevan was nervous about the guinea pigs and shouldn't have let him hold the guinea pig!

I sobbed up in my room with Kaitlyn for quite a while. I was upset that I hadn't been up in Danelle's room watching them to prevent this from happening. I cried for the pet that was only four months old and would most likely die. I cried to think that I was trying to do a nice thing by babysitting and this child dropped the guinea pig. I cried about everything. The seven stages of grief were hitting fast, even with a guinea pig who hadn't even died yet. I felt the shock and denial, pain and guilt, and anger and bargaining most at this moment. I wished so badly I could go back 10 minutes and save this pig from a horrible fate.

For Danelle's sake, I decided to try to save her pet. I could see her going through much of the same trauma as I was and she was an emotional wreck after what happened. She and I both were crying all night. I put S'mores in a "hospital box" and set her in my room. That was a long painful night... for everyone but especially the pig. I could hear this sweet animal in her box "crying" and having labored breathing all night long. I took this as a good sign though - maybe her back was not broken after all like Cocoa's was... maybe she just broke a leg and could be saved! I resigned that night that S'mores had to be seen by a vet.

The next day, before my trip to the Pet Hospital however, I learned the truth about what happened to S'mores. Trevan told his mom and dad that Danelle was playing rough with the guinea pig and accidentally dropped her. He was too scared to hold the guinea pigs (just as I thought). I could feel the truth in his words, decided to ask Danelle about what REALLY happened, but seeing her pet going through this was punishment enough and to not make her feel worse.

I took S'mores to the vet shortly after. I brought her in and set her box on the table, my eyes filling with tears already. Once we were back in the exam room and were with the vet, we all took a look at the animal. The vet was feeling her back and legs and it was then that we confirmed that she IS feeling pain. I felt some hope! "Oh that's a good sign right!?" The vet told me, "it could be but there is some neurological damage to the spine. It could just be compression, and she might regain ability after the swelling goes down." The only way to confrim was to get x-rays which I did.

At this point the vet was honest with me, telling me that the outlook did not look good. They suggested in their own way that S'mores be laid to rest because the amount of care this guinea pig would need to survive alone would be a full time job - literally. Not to mention but S'mores was not eating or drinking (due to pain), and that alone would kill her. While I appreciated their honesty, I still had to get the x-rays done to know FOR SURE. If there was a chance that S'mores had a chance (broken leg, hip, or spinal compression) we could have saved her and she could have lived normally.... right? It was more for my peace of mind that I handed over $200 for the tests.

The x-rays did not look good... tears filled my eyes when I saw with my untrained eye a very distinct break in the middle of her spine. It was horrible. It was at this point the doctor told me again that they think we should put her to sleep. The pain she was in (with no medication available for such a small animal), her not eating drinking, and the amount of care required - I knew what had to be done. I sat there alone in the room with S'mores for the last moments of her life, stroking her and telling her how very sorry I am and I knew Danelle was. We loved her so much.

Not long after, peacefully asleep with sedation already, S'mores died on August 30, 2011. Born April 29, she was still a baby.

I planned to wait to tell Danelle what had happened. I wanted to find a time when Trevan was home and we could talk alone. I didn't expect Danelle to run straight up the stairs and into my room to check on the guinea pig though. The guinea pig was already buried in my mom's back yard at that point, and Elle wondered where S'mores was. This is when I told her, "Elle... S'mores died while you were at school." The news hit her FAST and painfully. She broke out in the saddest cry I had ever seen. I explained what happened in a way she could understand but I had to ask what happened. It was then that she told me the same story Trevan told me and she apologized to Trevan (and later his parents).

The seven stages of grief were prominent in my six year old at that point. The tears flowed for days. Danelle still cries if we talk about S'mores. She wishes almost every day that this didn't happen, and I do too. We often talk about S'mores and how sorry she is that she dropped her. I have explained that S'mores knows it was an accident and forgives her for what happened. It seems to help in waves. Danelle learned a lot from this experience and is being extra sweet, careful, and loving with the remaining guinea pig who needs her.

Right now I am helping us both go through the stage of grief of reconstruction and working through, and acceptance and hope. I don't think this will happen to Chocolate Chip, and have seen Danelle learn from this in ways that I underestimated from a six year old. RIP S'mores. We love you.

US Lately

Since I updated the girls, it seems only fitting to update my blog on what is going on with me and Shayne as well.

The biggest thing on my mind right now is, as always, SCHOOL. Luckily though, I am happy to finally say that all my math classes are out of the way and I did MUCH better than I expected in them. I have moved onto my core Elementary Education classes. It is actually REFRESHING to be writing papers again instead of calculating but now you know why I haven't blogged in so long (sick of writing!). My main cause of stress at the moment is getting my fingerprint clearance card done ($69 and can be done at my local police station) and taking taking the PRAXIS II exam so that I may move on in my classes after December 19. I am nervous for both. I bought a study guide for the exam, but haven't started the finger print process that can take up to four months to finish and I have a deadline to beat. Yikes!

Shayne's school is always on our mind too, but lucky for him, Shayne is finally in his LAST SEMESTER! We couldn't be more excited. I would be planning a huge graduation party if I knew when that would be EXACTLY. We are thinking April...

Another thing on my mind a lot lately is of course my weight loss. I have lost 18 pounds this summer, and only have two more pounds to lose to reach my goal. I feel better than ever and am fitting into pant and dress sizes I never thought I would wear again. I know it's going to have to be a lifestyle change for me to maintain this weight once I am a Weight Watchers lifetime member, but I am up for it. I feel more healthy and almost as proud of my weight loss as I am my children.

With school starting for Danelle, we were able to get in a much needed routine which we are all loving again. I think Kaitlyn appreciates Danelle being at school all day so that she can sleep in peace and have Mommy all to herself for a few hours. I enjoy the time I get to myself in the morning between Elle going to school and Kaitlyn waking up to exercise, clean, or get a nice head start on my day. During Kaitlyn's nap, I can do school which frees up my evenings for relaxation (like i am going right now).

Since I get to spend so much one on one time with Kaitlyn, I felt it only fair to schedule some one on one time with Danelle too. Now every Saturday, Shayne and I take turns taking Elle on dates. We love the time and memories we are making with her and its something special that she is now starting to look forward to weekly and we enjoy too.

Shayne and I also just started a weekly date of our own. I am kind of sad to admit that up until now, we took our dates as we could get them. It seemed we never had enough money to hire a babysitter, and with family working, being moved far away, or having their own dating life - dates for us just seldom happened. I should say, OFFICIAL dates. Shayne and I took unofficial dates all the time. Dates with children, one child while the other was at school, or planning something fun when the kids were in bed that we could do at home. We never complained, but it's nice to actually get OUT now. My mom has kept Friday afternoons free to watch the girls as we go to lunch and out to spend some much needed time together. We are SO GRATEFUL to her for her sacrifice and wiliness to take our girls regularly.

Shayne is sort of job hunting again too. He is still working at Occurrence but the we would like to find something that will bring in more money and be easier on gas since he has to drive an hour to get there everyday. Right now, we are paying $500 a month in gas for him to work there and drive our Explorer. By the time you figure what we are making, the job seems less appealing. He will keep this job until he finds something better and has had some great interviews, some as close as Provo. We are hoping for the best.

We had a really fun summer as a family. We had a lot of fun trips to Seven Peaks. Kaitlyn LOVED the water, but specifically the lazy river. She loved to lay back in her life vest and float on the water with me holding her. She could do this for hours if we let her. Danelle refused to go down very many slides and then her last trip to Seven Peaks, she went down some new ones... she is kicking herself for not trying them sooner because they were so fun. Maybe next year she will be more up for slides next year. By the way, the Pass of All Passes is an incredible deal... We got more than our money's worth with Trafalga and Seven Peaks alone this year and there is much more to offer. It was so much cheaper than watching all the "fun stuff" add up all summer long. We DEFINITELY plan to buy them for all of us next year too.

We had a mishap with one of our guinea pigs this summer too. I might have to write a blog about it. It was the hardest thing Danelle has ever had to experience. She is doing well now, but still regularly talks about "S'mores." Chocolate Chip is doing well though so we are taking excellent care of her.

I had a birthday... It's my last year in my twenties. Monyka is planning a big 30th birthday next year and as some family would say, "why have a birthday party every year?" So I decided to spend time with Shayne and my kids on my birthday and save the big party for 2012. Danelle and I went on a date to Yogurt Bliss and Shopko where she picked me out some sunglasses and a drink bottle for a present. Later on, Shayne and I went to The Mayan and skipped our movie and went window shopping instead. It was a very fun day. The next day, my Mom spoiled me with a scrumptious dinner and rice crispies.

Oh and I am learning how to sew! My mom is teaching me by helping me make Danelle's Halloween costume. I can't wait to see how it turns out!

Well, that's about all for now. We are looking forward to fall and our Halloween party which will be here before we know it! I hope I will be back to blog shortly.

Kaitlyn Lately

Kaitlyn. Sweet, baby Kaitlyn. She is so precious and brings a smile to everyone around her. I can't even go to the store without her smiling and waving at everyone she meets. Kaitlyn loves to give kisses and make people laugh. If she thinks she is getting a laugh out of something, it's typical Kaitlyn to see her doing the same "funny" thing over and over again and hope for the same results.

Lately, Kaitlyn has really began to use her words. She is actually one of the youngest babies I have ever heard say "Mama" at six just months old so I knew she would be somewhat of a talker. Kaitlyn mimics words often but her favorite words to use are "WOW!!!!" "Yeah" (said with a hearty nod), "Hi," and "Bye." She is starting to call people by name too - Elle, Grandma (Wamma), Evan (Ebann), but still has many more to perfect.

Kaitlyn is very accident prone. I hear from a lot of parents that all toddlers are accident prone, but Kaitlyn is EXTRA accident prone. Poor Kaitlyn can't even walk over a hula hoop without it whacking her right in the face. She knows right where to run and the precise timing to hit the refrigerator door just as I open it, and probably shouldn't walk over hoses for fear of tripping and hitting her head on pavement. One time I was letting the dog out and her leg got wrapped int he dog leash just in time for the dog to run out the door and give her a deep rope burn. It breaks my heart to have her having so many boo boos but she is one tough cookie. We just have to watch her a little more closely than we would have Danelle...

At 13 months, we took Kaitlyn in for her one year check up. She only weighed 17 pounds and this was cause for some concern. Although Kaitlyn is healthy, she needs to gain weight. I would hate to think that she would ever get sick or need surgery that might result in weight loss with weight she can't afford to be losing. Dr. Chipman even suggested we mix butter in peanut butter to fatten her up. I took this seriously, but not fearfully, and we explored foods that she would eat that might help put on some pounds. We found her loving mashed potatoes, almost any pastas, cheeses, hotdogs, pudding cups, macaroni and cheese, pizza, and chicken nuggets. She loves all fruit, carrots, and string beans. She has gained three pounds since then. She is filling out all over, and although she is still on the small side she is perfectly healthy.

We are also trying something new with Kaitlyn... for the past two months, I have been putting her in CLOTH diapers. I feel so old fashioned, but the money we are saving is totally worth it. She still sleeps in Pampers or Luvs, but wears her cloth diapers and vinyl panties all day. The process is not nearly as bad as people make it sound, and I feel proud of us doing this. Being earth conscious, I like the idea of not throwing six diapers or more away every day as well. I actually and honestly wish I started sooner.

Kaitlyn is growing every day. I wish I could keep both my girls small and innocent like this forever. We are doing our best to enjoy them while they are young and remember that these are the best days of our life, even if we don't always realize it.

Danelle Lately

Another school year has begun and already the first month is over. Shayne and I can't believe Danelle is actually a first grader now. Danelle is such a big and brave girl now that she takes the bus every day to and from school. I have to admit this new arrangement did cause some first day jitters for me wondering if she would get on and off the right bus, but my mind has settled and she is a professional bus rider now. I am so proud of her.

After some thought, Danelle let us know that she is "bored with dance" (her own words) and wanted to take something new this year. After talking to a lot of our family, the majority vote was for Danelle to try SOCCER. Danelle is pretty good at soccer and controls the ball easily. She is more of a defensive player than a runner taking the ball down the field, but she loves soccer, being on a team, and coach. It's too bad the games only lasted a month. We plan to sign her up again in the Spring, and hopefully find something to keep her busy and occupied until then. Here are our top ideas; art class, basketball, or trying out for a play (and if you know me you know what I hope she picks!).

Another first for our family; Danelle lost her first teeth! September 16th, Shayne and I were out on a date when I got the most excited phone call from my mom who was watching the girls. Danelle was so excited to tell me that she had lost her FIRST TOOTH! I was so happy for her. I know she had been worried about it hurting, but it came out while eating a peach and didn't hurt at all. Three days later, she lost her second tooth. The tooth fairy found our house both nights, and even found the tooth Danelle dropped on the floor just when we were about to put it under her pillow. It was a very happy time. She can't wait to lose more teeth.

Danelle is such a wonderful help to me and I love her so much. The other day, I was a little mad at her because she let me sleep in on a school day. This caused a lot of stress on me to hustle getting her ready for school and out the door, and I asked her "WHY didn't you wake me up!?" She said, "I was being nice and letting you sleep in..." I felt such guilt realizing how my behavior must have made her feel. Now we have a deal; if she lets me sleep in, she needs to get herself dressed, make her bed, and put her shoes on for me - - - and to my surprise she actually does it. Danelle and I butt heads a lot but we adore her and are so proud of everything she is learning, doing, and the beautiful person she is becoming.