Faith over Fear

 

The other day, I was looking up quotes about faith on Pinterest.  I had a friend who was struggling with a problem, and thought I would share it with her.  Realizing it was a good quote for many, I posted it on Facebook hoping it would uplift, motivate, or help someone else as well.  The quote said, "God doesn't give us what we can handle, He helps us handle what we are given."  I liked it because unlike other similar quotes such as, "God does not give you more than you can handle," this quote suggested that what happens in our lives does not have to do with how 'strong' we are as much as 'that's life.' Truthfully, no one has enough strength to 'handle' everything we face in life.  We will experience struggles, pain, hurt, and confusion. We need His help to handle them. Through Him we can be made strong. 

Later that day this quote took on a more personal meaning.  It seemed like fate had brought to to it, because yesterday afternoon, Shayne was laid off from his job.  Having been there before, the thought of being tested like this again seemed unfair. I went through many emotions when Shayne gave me the news.  Old feelings festered as I thought about starting the process of collecting unemployment, barely making ends meet, and trying to find Shayne a new job.  We did it once, could we do it again?

Other feelings are coming to the surface too as I wonder if a move might be in our future.  Not just a move down the street, but a move out of STATE.  Shayne graduated June 2012, nearly two years ago.  Since then, he's applied for healthcare jobs up and down Utah without even a nibble.  However, healthcare and the job market are booming in Texas so we have to ask ourselves if perhaps we should take that tremendous leap of faith and look for work there.  I keep telling myself it might only be for a couple of years and once he has experience in the healthcare field he can work almost anywhere.  He just needs to get that experience.  A couple to three years in Texas would fly by, and we'd be well on our way to better life.  I suppose I could try to be happy in another state.

I'd miss the mountains.  I'd feel awful missing births of nieces or nephews if we left.  I'd miss having my most of my in laws and friends within ten minutes each direction, and other family and friends within a few hours distance. I'd miss holiday gatherings and fun summer play dates among all our children.  I'd miss this house and the life we had here in Spanish Fork, a city who is near and dear to my heart. Most of all, I would miss my best friend and Mom. I'd miss calling her up on a whim and going to grab an ice cream or to get some milk at the store.  I'd miss having her a minute from my house, ready for anything.  I'd miss all the random pop-in's we do during the week. The thought of leaving her makes my heart literally ache inside. 

I've been thinking about how life in Texas would be.  Despite all the things I'd miss, we'd not be going out there to be alone.  I have family out there, excited and happy about the thought of us relocating.  My sister Sarah, and her wife Alison, live in Round Rock.   Evan and his fiance Molly live in Austin.  David is also in Austin area, and my cousin, Kristl, who I am close to in Fredericksburg.   It's not like we'd be living somewhere in exile, lonely and depressed.  I am sure that I would also find comfort in being around those who share my religious beliefs and could make close friends within a new ward setting.  Going to church meetings and activities would not be taken for granted.  Perhaps Texas might even strengthen our testimonies of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

Shayne continues to apply for jobs in Utah, and Texas.  Only time will tell.

If there's one thing I have had to learn in my life, it's to trust God's plan for us.  Have faith, even if that's all we have left to go on.  I don't know why Shayne was laid off at this time, but I know Heavenly Father is mindful of us and he WILL help us handle what we've been given.  Say a little prayer for us... we're going to need it.

"Birthday Season"

Starting the end of March, my family goes through what we now call "BIRTHDAY SEASON."  Liam starts our season off March 29, then Ellie April 29, Kaitlyn May 7, and Shayne May 17.  There are other birthday's dotted in there within the family too, but as you can see, this time of the year keeps bouncing!

LIAM IS ONE!

I can't believe that Liam is one year old already.  The year honest and truly did fly by. Liam accomplished a lot in that year.  Within his first year, he learned to roll, sit, crawl, walk, and climb.  We got seven teeth, and a lot of "head bonkies."  Liam loves cars and making toys move.  He also loves swaying and grooving away to music and knows how to say "Mama" and "Dada" pretty well.  He also likes to mimic me when I yell out, "ELLLLLIE!"  Liam is pretty clingy to his Momma, and is nervous around a lot of people but it's improving day by day.  Liam loves to eat and taste things.  He also likes to blow raspberries on our tummies. We had an "out of this world" birthday party for him, complete with rocket ships and space aliens. Shayne's sister, Sarah, made a couple of really cute cakes, and we had a blast watching him enjoy his presents and smashing a piece of cake.

ELLIE IS NINE

Ellie is getting so much older, it's hard to believe that in only nine more years she could possibly be on her way to college, a mission, and managing the responsibilities of adult life.  I hadn't thrown a big party for her in a couple of years, so I decided to shake off my party cobwebs and what we could do to make her feel extra loved this birthday.  We really got into the movie FROZEN this winter, so I wasn't surprised when she picked this for her party theme.  We invited about five friends and all her many cousins to come over for a party.  We played "Pin the Nose on Olaf," and "Do you want to build a snowman?" which involved kids wrapping each other up in toilet paper and the first team to make a snowman won.  There was a lot of laughter and despite Liam being pretty sick, the day was perfect.  A few days later on her actual birthday, she proudly wore her birthday ribbon to school, and I loved bringing her class treats. Shayne and I took her out to a nice Chinese food buffet later that night, and we celebrated as family with cupcakes.  It was a wonderful day.

KAITLYN TURNS FOUR

As if being the middle child weren't bad enough, poor Kaitlyn had to wait her turn for birthday fame.  For months she had been saying, "May 7th!" as her birthday and she knew that she would be turning four years old.  Kaitlyn really wanted a FROZEN birthday like her sister, but accepted her title as "birthday princess" and was royalty for a day with a princess party.  Kaitlyn was so happy to finally be the center of attention and she loved all the gifts she received that day.  For her actual birthday it was raining, so we ate McDonalds in the house, watched a movie, and let her blow the candle out of her own personal cake we had created at Macey's.  Even though it was hard waiting her turn, Kaitlyn loved her birthday and that made it all worth it to her in the end.

SURPRISE SHAYNE!

After Shayne's birthday last year, I told myself that this year I would throw him a surprise birthday party.  It seemed weird to me that after being together 14 years that I had never surprised him on his birthday.  It must be the "planner/talker" that prevents me from really keeping surprise birthday parties a secret or something because I haven't been able to really pull one off before.  About a month before his birthday, I planned for our families to meet us at Los 4 Amigo's for a surprise birthday dinner.  A week before I bought decorations and noise makers.  Finally the day had come and everything was set.  Our mom's carried a brunt of the work by decorating and making the cake.  Getting Shayne to go to Los 4 that day was not easy.  It was his birthday, and he wasn't in the mood for Mexican food.  I told him that I got he kids all excited about going and wondered if we could still go, and even though it was his day, he agreed to go.

Driving there was slow and painful.  It seemed like he was looking for anything else for the family to get excited about, other than Los 4 Amigo's.  We were running late for his own party and I just hoped that he would be happier once we got there.  Finally as we turned into the Los 4 parking lot, we both noticed a car that looked like Jessica's (our sister in law).  Then I noticed the rest of the family cars.  I was worried he would figure it out before it was time.  Then we came up the the door and he noticed the big birthday mural on the wall.  He claims at this moment he thought, "oh shoot, it's already someone's birthday here" but didn't add up that it was for him.  It wasn't until everyone yelled "SURPRISE"  and he saw his family sitting there that he realized it was a surprise party just for him.  We ordered some nacho's to share with the group, and had a wonderful meal of 'usual's.'  Shayne seemed very pleased with the day and I was happy that I finally got to surprise him.

Now that we've wrapped up four out of five birthdays for the year, I can relax until it's finally my turn in September.  Birthday season might be over for my family, but it's only begun for our combined family.  We are sincerely thankful for our families who showed their love and support for us during these birthdays and birthday parties.  We are so blessed to have so many wonderful people in our lives.    

Tick Tock, Tick Tock

I never really gave much thought into "biological clock's" or what that must feel like.  I guess I assumed "feeling your biological clock ticking" had more to do with aging women who were single and childless, longing for more in their life.  I am here to tell you that feeling your biological clock does not discriminate.  Even if you are married and have children, it's still possible to feel its painful ticking (although I will add there is a HUGE difference between MY ache and the ache of someone who doesn't have children or partner).  There's really no other way to describe how I have felt since having Liam other than "my biological clock must be ticking."

I always only wanted three children; two girls and a boy. As luck would have it, that's what I got.  Two girls, and my boy.  I always planned to be done having children by the time I was 30.  And again as luck would have it, I had all the children I thought I wanted by the time I was 30, even with the minor set backs with infertility for three years before Kaitlyn.  However, even from the moment I gave birth to Liam, I have been aching to possibly have another one.  It's almost unsettling, actually.  I had a beautiful plan that I was blessed enough to have happen, and now I wanted more. 

Maybe it was because the birth went so well.  As many of you know, I was fortunate enough to have my vbac work out perfectly with Liam.  Maybe it's because Liam was such a wonderful and easy baby.  Maybe it's because I have my boy, and would love to have another one.  Maybe it's because almost everyone else in Shayne's immediate family has at least four kids and I would like that too.  Perhaps it's to live a life without regrets or always wondering what might of been if we had another baby. Either way, there is this silent haunting feeling that I kind of want another baby I can't seem to turn off.   It might not happen, but I CAN'T say I won't either (as in literally, I can't physically say the words "we're done" yet).  

What's even more unsettling is that I can't say for certainty that I WANT another baby either.  Raising children is extremely demanding and I have very little time to recoup as it is.  I can hardly keep up with our hectic lifestyle and there are times that having the three kids is purely overwhelming.  Then there's the financial aspect to take into consideration.  Even my health complications and postpartum depression struggles are something to consider into the equation .  While I can't say NO to having more children, I also can't say YES either.  I have simply resigned to keep the door open and see how we feel a year from now.  After a year, I think it might be too late to "start over" with a new baby, due to our age and stage in life.  

Life with three kids is amazing.  In a couple short years, the prospect of vacationing and going on outings with our kids will be much easier.  In just over a year, I will have two children in school.  In less than a year, Shayne and I might even get to start going on small overnight trips just the two of us for the first time since having children.  Life would be amazing.  But then again, so could life with four children.  I believe it's not possible to regret having a baby, and while having a baby might limit the things you can do, it doesn't stop you from having fun and enjoying life.  I guess best thing to do right now is just take a day at a time and see if I move onto the next phase in my life which doesn't involve pregnancy planning, pregnancy, and newborns.  I might not be able to hush the ache, but hopefully I will be able to make peace with it and feel content live life without question, doubt, or regret.  Until then, I live with the ache and possibility.

May 2014

So many things have happened since I last wrote in my blog.  It seems there just isn't enough time in the day anymore for blogging... or anything else for that matter.  There are not many moments in the day or night that someone isn't needing something from me.  Welcome to life with three kids :) .  I say that with a smile.  Life with three kids has been challenging for me to find more time for everything, but I have loved staying busy and being an active part of my kid's lives.

Liam has grown leaps and bounds since my last post.  He has been such a wonderful baby.  The past year has flown by!  Liam was about 11 months old when I realized that weaning him was just around the corner.  The thought surprised me.  We still haven't quit yet.  I think it bothers other people more than it does me for example when well-meaning  mom says, "he's plenty big enough to drink from a cup!" Maybe it's because might be the last baby, or maybe because it's just easy, I keep nursing though. My attitude about having a third baby has been dramatically different than with my other kids with my motto being, "if it works - DO IT."  I have been breaking all kinds of 'rules' with him that I would have never done with the girls.  Co-sleeping  doesn't bother me with Liam, where as I strongly protested it with the girls.  Liam doesn't bathe everyday, whereas I bathed the girls every day.  Little things like that, nothing major.  It's taught me a lot to just go with the flow.  I also don't complain as much about baby-ism's that used to bother me.  Teething, not sleeping, and making me hold him too much just don't seem to bother me like they did when the girls were babies.

Kaitlyn seems to have turned a corner lately.  She's understanding things so much better lately, and is such a pleasure to do things with.  Kaitlyn used to struggle to go to bed, giving me a bedtime battle everytime, and now goes to bed with ease.  Granted, she has to fall asleep in my room and I move her to her own bedroom (to keep the girls from fighting too much) but as mentioned in the previous paragraph, I am doing what works.  She's more trustworthy too.  I know that if she goes outside for a minute without me being there, that she will stay close to the house.  She listens pretty well most of the time, and I have been so proud of her.  She's going to be starting preschool this fall.  I have her enrolled in a three day a week preschool from 12:30 - 3:00.  I think she will love the socialization and I am looking forward to the guilt free hours to do my homework.

My schooling had to take a backseat this past month as well.  I found that it was stressing me out, and affecting my family life greatly.  There was never enough time for it, and other things had to sacrifice.  The other hardship of school is that often time, it was being used as "me time" which we all know is not "me time" at all.  I decided to push it back until the fall when  hopefully I will have that 12:30 - 3:00 window where Liam will be napping and Kaitlyn will be in school. I hope it works out. Quitting school was hard to do.

Ellie keeps getting bigger everyday.  It's really hard for me to look like her much like a little girl anymore because she is so grown up.  She is the biggest help when I need her too.  She's doing extremely well in Singers Company this year.  I am thinking about trying her out the the Utah Valley Children's choir and seeing how she likes it.   I can't believe that she is already nine.  I am only half way away from her going to college or possibly moving out.  I worry about her every day too.  I never feel like I am doing enough for Ellie.  The younger kids demand so much from me, that sometimes it hard to really feel like I can connect with Ellie as much as I would like to.  Yesterday we played "Go Fish."  I hope we can find those moments more often.

Other than that, life keeping going on like it always has.  It's hard to think of all the updates over the past year, and I can only hope that I will have more time like this to post blogs as I think of them and not constantly be back tracking.  Blogging used to be such a delight to me; it would be nice to feel like I can type out my thoughts and feelings as often as I used to.  Anyway, this was a start.  Here's to more blogs in the future :) .