Tick Tock, Tick Tock

I never really gave much thought into "biological clock's" or what that must feel like.  I guess I assumed "feeling your biological clock ticking" had more to do with aging women who were single and childless, longing for more in their life.  I am here to tell you that feeling your biological clock does not discriminate.  Even if you are married and have children, it's still possible to feel its painful ticking (although I will add there is a HUGE difference between MY ache and the ache of someone who doesn't have children or partner).  There's really no other way to describe how I have felt since having Liam other than "my biological clock must be ticking."

I always only wanted three children; two girls and a boy. As luck would have it, that's what I got.  Two girls, and my boy.  I always planned to be done having children by the time I was 30.  And again as luck would have it, I had all the children I thought I wanted by the time I was 30, even with the minor set backs with infertility for three years before Kaitlyn.  However, even from the moment I gave birth to Liam, I have been aching to possibly have another one.  It's almost unsettling, actually.  I had a beautiful plan that I was blessed enough to have happen, and now I wanted more. 

Maybe it was because the birth went so well.  As many of you know, I was fortunate enough to have my vbac work out perfectly with Liam.  Maybe it's because Liam was such a wonderful and easy baby.  Maybe it's because I have my boy, and would love to have another one.  Maybe it's because almost everyone else in Shayne's immediate family has at least four kids and I would like that too.  Perhaps it's to live a life without regrets or always wondering what might of been if we had another baby. Either way, there is this silent haunting feeling that I kind of want another baby I can't seem to turn off.   It might not happen, but I CAN'T say I won't either (as in literally, I can't physically say the words "we're done" yet).  

What's even more unsettling is that I can't say for certainty that I WANT another baby either.  Raising children is extremely demanding and I have very little time to recoup as it is.  I can hardly keep up with our hectic lifestyle and there are times that having the three kids is purely overwhelming.  Then there's the financial aspect to take into consideration.  Even my health complications and postpartum depression struggles are something to consider into the equation .  While I can't say NO to having more children, I also can't say YES either.  I have simply resigned to keep the door open and see how we feel a year from now.  After a year, I think it might be too late to "start over" with a new baby, due to our age and stage in life.  

Life with three kids is amazing.  In a couple short years, the prospect of vacationing and going on outings with our kids will be much easier.  In just over a year, I will have two children in school.  In less than a year, Shayne and I might even get to start going on small overnight trips just the two of us for the first time since having children.  Life would be amazing.  But then again, so could life with four children.  I believe it's not possible to regret having a baby, and while having a baby might limit the things you can do, it doesn't stop you from having fun and enjoying life.  I guess best thing to do right now is just take a day at a time and see if I move onto the next phase in my life which doesn't involve pregnancy planning, pregnancy, and newborns.  I might not be able to hush the ache, but hopefully I will be able to make peace with it and feel content live life without question, doubt, or regret.  Until then, I live with the ache and possibility.