Lost but not Forgotten

I realize this is somewhat of a different blog. The subject matter seems to be considered "taboo." I think most people (indirectly affected) can just go on with their lives hunky dory, but this experience affected me deeply even though it feels like a dream now.

A little over a month ago, I thought I was having a "pregnancy scare." We weren't necessarily trying for a baby, but have never been against the idea of having a third either. When I was a couple days late, I went to the dollar store for the first cheap test I could find. The next day, I saw a very faint almost non existent positive on the test. My mouth dropped... it had taken us THREE YEARS to find out we were pregnant with Kaitlyn and this just happened out of no where. Two days later, I got a free pregnancy test at our family doctor's office and sure enough: PREGNANT, due June 18, 2012.

I processed this new idea; Kaitlyn would be just over 25 months, or two years apart. A little closer than I imagined our next one being, but do-able none the less. I thought of changing two sets of diapers, needing a double stroller, what if it's a boy, and how would Kaitlyn (who is so needy right now) handle a possibly rough pregnancy. One thing I didn't think of was miscarriage. I hadn't had a miscarriage before, and with a complicated pregnancy like Kaitlyn's I thought that any baby could survive after what she had been through.

I told Shayne later that day. I had just lost all my weight so I thought it would be appropriate to give him a stack of candy bars and my positive report from the doctor saying, "If I am going to gain weight - - - SO ARE YOU!" He caught on right away and gave me a hug. From that moment on, our lives over the next few weeks would be altered.

It was in my fifth week we started to have problems. Having similar problems with Kaitlyn, I honestly didn't think much of it. It caused the normal alarm, but I have read that spotting can be normal in the first trimester, one out of three women spot and half of them miscarry. I had tremendous hope that this little baby would survive. At 5w, 4d, we had our first ultrasound. The baby was nothing more than a speck, but it was there. Hope regained; especially when the spotting seemed to be clearing up.

I prayed for this baby; pleading that I would know how to take care of it. A blanket of peace swept over me. I felt very distinctly that I could resume normal life; this baby will be a part of our family if it's meant to be no matter what I do, and if not, resting will not save it. This was strange to me because when I prayed for Kaitlyn, I had a sense of PANIC - "REST NOW, DO AS LITTLE AS POSSIBLE!!!" I believe it's because of those promptings that Kaitlyn is here with us though. Kaitlyn would have never survived me doing normal routines. With Kaitlyn, I bed rested six weeks of my first trimester.

I seemed to do well all during my sixth week. I even started to notice morning sickness; something everyone tells you is a "good sign." The spotting was going away, and I really thought that everything would be alright.

I had an ultrasound scheduled for Friday, October 28, I would be nearly seven weeks pregnant. Something bad happened that night though; the spotting became bleeding. I was glad I was going in to see Dr. Crouch that day. I needed answers. I remember being so thrown off by the bleeding, that I forgot to do my urine sample at the doctors office and had to drink water and give another sample. I went in with tears in my eyes. I was now afraid for this baby and nervous what this would mean for me.

The ultrasound looked relatively normal. The embryo had grown significantly and the fact that it was still there gave me hope but at seven weeks along, you'd expect to find a heartbeat. No heartbeat and bleeding. The doctor was kind, but let me know he thought I would miscarry. He would give me another nine days of waiting, but if there was still no heartbeat, he felt it best to terminate the pregnancy early.

Monyka was with me for the ride home. I was confused, and my brain was all consumed with what I would do if faced with that decision. What if they just couldn't see the heartbeat? What if we terminated a healthy pregnancy? How would that be to miscarry? Once at home, I held the picture of our embryo that day and could not contain my tears.

Later that night and early into the next morning the "process" began. I won't go into details but it was more painful, emotional, and harder on the body than I expected. I went to the emergency room wondering about blood loss to find out that as far as miscarriages are concerned; this was only moderately bad. This process lasted through the weekend and by Tuesday we were done.

I have to admit that part of me hoped the baby was still ok. I was in major denial about it. Saturday November 5, I had another follow up ultrasound confirming that my body had done what it was supposed to; no baby. I miscarried at 6w 6d pregnant.

Miscarriage is hard on the body physically and emotionally. The moment we found out we were pregnant our life plan shifted and we built up hopes and dreams for that little one. We altered our plans and loved the baby instantly. I went through test after test hoping that this pregnancy would make it. Now that we lost the pregnancy, I have moments where I feel somewhat empty and slow to get back to my normal routines. I have a new appreciation for my children and their safe deliveries. I feel more compassion for mothers who have miscarriages, especially multiple miscarriages and those who miscarry and don't have children.

People ask me if we are going to try again right away. This is a difficult question for me to answer. Part of me wants to have a baby right away, but most of me thinks Shayne and I should stick with the original plan for now. Our plan was to start thinking about having a baby next summer after Shayne graduates and has health insurance and job security. Six more months might mean great things for Kaitlyn's development when a baby comes as well; potty trained, sleeping in toddler bed, easier transition for her to sleep with Danelle, feeding herself well, and possibly even preschool. It will also give me time to get some school work behind me. We still feel that if Heavenly Father wants us to have a baby sooner than it will be, however we are not going to TRY until the summer next year. I hope we don't have the same experience again.